Losing My Internal Monologue

By Allison Jonergin

Lately the internet has been abuzz about the discovery that some people lack an internal monologue. This means that they don’t hear their thoughts being said aloud inside their heads, as many of us do.

A common reaction people have shared is that they’d be lost without the ability to hear their thoughts in audible sentences.

I would’ve said the same thing. But then, I hit a deer while driving home from work late one night. I thought I’d escaped with only some neck and back pain. But gradually over the next few days and weeks, I began experiencing symptoms of a traumatic brain injury, including a worsening headache, light, noise and motion sensitivity, nausea, dizziness, loss of coordination and confusion. I had blurred vision and ringing in the ears, and had difficulty with memory and concentration. I felt like I was operating in slow motion. I was exhausted, but no amount of sleep brought relief. I’d sleep for 24 straight hours if I didn’t set an alarm. I felt depressed, irritable, anxious and more emotional overall. I was later diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome, wherein the symptoms of a traumatic brain injury persist for months or years. But one of the most distressing symptoms I experienced was the loss of my internal monologue.

For over six months, I didn’t hear a word inside my head. I tried as hard as I could to think aloud, but nothing. I strained as hard as one would when engaging a muscle during a workout.

My thoughts consisted of feelings, mostly. Suddenly my emotions were alerting me to everything around me, but I didn’t understand their cues. Everything was happening so quickly that I felt like I was constantly playing a losing game of catch up.

During that time, it was extremely difficult to stay engaged. I’d frequently zone out without meaning to. My brain was so tired. I felt overstimulated and overwhelmed. I had trouble staying on task and remembering what I was doing.

The real torment was caused by my inability to keep myself company. The silence was unbearable. I couldn’t force myself to produce thoughts to engage my mind or to distract myself. If I wanted to think, I had to talk to someone. It was the same with reading. I had to speak the words aloud as I read, with great difficulty. It would take several attempts to read a single sentence.

Finally, I began to hear random words in my head, but still I had no control. These early thoughts were distracting, sometimes repeating a word like “corner,” over and over again if there was a cobweb in the corner of the ceiling.

Slowly, with time and diligent practice, I began to think in phrases, like how a toddler might speak, and eventually came sentences. But I’d forget the beginning of the sentence before I got to the end. I certainly couldn’t remember it long enough to repeat it. Oftentimes, my mind wasn’t even aware of what I was saying when I spoke. If I did notice I was talking and tried to hear what I was saying, it was like trying to catch the dialogue in a TV show that had the volume set low.

While I’m thankful I was able to recreate my own inner voice, those were the darkest (and quietest) days of my life.

So for those of you who think you’d go insane without an internal monologue, I did.

Allison Jonergin is a SUNY Plattsburgh alumna and North Country native. She suffers from multiple chronic illnesses including fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, endometriosis, irritable bowel syndrome and degenerative disc disease. She also has post-concussion syndrome, anxiety, depression and PTSD.